Distraction

1.29.2018

To do great work, one must avoid distraction.
-me, 2018

Time: two hours before my linear algebra midterm. Every time I have any kind of exam, I oscillate between wondering if I should study, reminding myself that I don't actually care about the result, and rationalizing that I'm probably smart enough to figure it out on the spot anyway. This cycle effectively prevents me from doing anything at all in the time before exams. I wasted the entire weekend screwing around on the internet and writing shitty code and feeling like shit.

What I want above all else right now is to be alone. Completely alone. It's a strange thing to want, but in my experience, absolute solitude begets absolute concentration. I can't achieve that here, in college. There are too many dis- oh, is that a snap from that girl I'm into? What, she wants to hang out? Now? Well, I guess my work can wait. And conversely: she didn't respond? Fuck, she must not give a shit about me.

This is a circular problem, though. I can't escape without a solid plan, or I'm just an idiot who dropped out. I can't do any good work here, since I'm distracted by courses, social interaction, FOMO, whatever. Every time I go home, I frantically collect my thoughts and hope that I can pull my shit together, but it never happens. My life right now is like trying to patch a hot air balloon in midair; it's fucking impossible to go anywhere except down in flames.

What I'm getting at is that I have no win scenario. I can't do anything here, and I can't leave without doing something. There are two options, then:

1) Bet everything I have and leave anyway
2) Accept defeat and abandon my dreams

This is going to be a wild ride.

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